11 posts tagged “life”

I got an email today from a friend referencing a block from Eugene Kane, a columnist for the Journal Sentinel. Sometimes he's polarizing, sometimes he's insightful, overall I find him a really interesting read. He opened a discussion about a blog called Stuff White People Like, and and wanted people to respond whether or not they found this blog offensive. 

An old friend texted me tonight while watching MSNBC coverage of the Wisconsin primary declaring my celebrity twin as Kelly O'Donnell, a reporter for NBC and MSNBC. I had never even heard of her so of course I had to look her up. I'm pretty generic: round face, brown eyes and brown hair, but apparently generic isn't unsuccessful. I've also gotten Mariah Carey, Rachel Ray and even...once upon a time, Alyssa Milano. I like that I get lumped in with some hot Italians (albeit rather annoying) despite my incredibly German/Native American background. I'd have to say, our brunnette lineup (despite Mariah's bleaching and the aforementioned annoying personalities) isn't so bad...

Lineup

I support gay rights. I'm all about the nontraditional families and civil unions and whatnot. Doesn't mean I'm batting for the other team. In fact, I really like dudes. However, just as I've always suspected, my sister finally busted out what I've been anticipating for a while during one of her, "You need to meet someone!" speeches. The conversation went like this:

My sister: are you avoiding guys?

Me: well I'm going on vacation with one...so clearly no, I'm not avoiding guys

My sister: no, i mean are you purposely avoiding dating guys?
My sister: i guess i mean as a lifestyle
My sister: maybe playing for the other team?

Me: hahaha, no

My sister: it's ok

Me: LOL
Me: oh my god I'm laughing so hard right now, no I am not attracted to women

My sister: just wondering if maybe that's why you're putting up such a strong resistance
My sister: you have a million excuses
My sister: and that's what mom's friend's daughter did
My sister: before she introduced her girlfriend

Me: that's cause in case you forgot, guys are jerks
Me: hahahaha, no I do not find myself attracted to women

My sister: ok

My entire family doesn't know about anyone I've dated/fooled around/whatever since I was 16 years old, so in their brains I haven't dated in almost 10 years. I mentioned one of my college boyfriend's names about a month before we broke up, and to the best of their knowledge he was just a friend. They never asked about the dude (said boyfriend) who brought my home after having my wisdom teeth taken out. They don't bother remembering names and people's roles in my life, so why bother letting them know? Then EVERY time you go out on a date they start badgering you about this other person. Every time you get dumped they ask about how you're doing. If you're in a relationship they ask where it's going. It's always SOMETHING and nothing's been that important enough to want to deal with all of those details.

I don't want to peruse the personal ads. I don't want to put a profile up on Match.com or eHarmony or wherever. I'm not going to date anyone I work with and probably not any of their friends. If something happens it happens. I just don't feel the need to pro actively be seeking it out. That's when your force yourself into not so great situations. You start hallucinating chemistry when there's nothing there because you're "supposed" to find someone. If I hear "You need to put yourself out there!" one more time I might punch that person in the face. Where exactly is "out there" and why do I have to leave perfectly comfortable and content "right here" to get something I don't really want to work for at the moment anyway? I don't need a significant other to fill up some perceived lonely existence, male attention stopped a long time ago and I've learned to be happy without it, I'm not going to prance around in skimpy outfits hoping someone notices me. I don't want to meet strangers in dark seedy bars and make out on street corners. I'm over that phase. I just wish the married folks and people who think that being "open" means all that would stop projecting on me. 

I'm fine...the old ticker's still pumping. Early feedback concludes I have premature atrial contractions, which is totally benign and not a big deal at all. Basically I just need to get moving because my heart is bored and work on reducing stress. The doc ran an EKG on me and took some more blood, so if anything's really wrong those tests will let me know.

I'm still secretly hoping for some crazy thyroid disease.

My friend Tif, working on her PhD in child developmental psychyology, suggested my treatment should be comparable to a schedule conducisve to emotional regulation:

"By emphasizing afferent feedback and communications among various levels of the nervous system, the vagal circuit of emotion regulation provides an explanation for the effectiveness of specific interventions (e.g., nonnutritive sucking, massage, eating, exercise, yoga, and cognitive strategies) in the regulation of emotions." (Porges)

Her suggestion for my vacation schedule:
10 am yoga
11 am eating & drinking
12 pm crossword or scrabble (cognitive strategies) & drinking
1 pm massage
2-6 pm swimming (exercise) & drinking
6 pm eating
8 pm drinking
12 am nonnutritive sucking :)

It's Valentine's Day and my heart's a flutter. Not about anything romantic, of course, quite literally, my heartbeat is apparently irregular. I visited my lady doctor for my annual check-up today, bringing new meaning to V-Day, and at the very beginning she said, "Wow, you have an irregular heartbeat! Did anyone ever tell you that?" To which I responded, "Uh...no. What do you mean I have an irregular heartbeat!?" She said, "It's probably nothing, you should just have it checked out by your primary physician just to be safe. In the meantime we'll run a thyroid test and a metabolic test on you too. This is nothing to lose sleep over." 

It has, in fact, been since early August since I last blogged. That's because I was working around 60 hours/week between First Stage Children's Theater and the Apple Store. Not only could I have potentially compromised my employment (with Apple), I simply did not have the time to sit down and collect my thoughts into writing and post for the masses. 

Already a week away from my birthday and I'm starting to feel the impending doom of the big 2-5. I know I'm not old, and realistically, after you're 21 you don't look forward to any more birthdays. Some people like the big milestones, like 30, 40 and beyond, but I'm kind of over birthdays.

August is sort of a hot birthday month. A lot of people's parents apparently were frisky around the holiday season and as a result there's a bunch us Leo's walking around. Of course, this means a lot of "obligations." Dealing with all of these birthdays I sort of become appalled at the certain amount of entitlement people feel towards gift receiving. I received an email recently from someone talking about their "wish list" complete with an itemized list of what this individual wants. Pretty much everything on it is way out of my budget, but I mostly had a hard time with the fact this person felt so entitled they felt compelled to send out a ridiculously over-priced list of birthday desires.

This individual was never really single in her adult life. Perhaps the fact that I've never been in a relationship around the time of my birthday (I was once dumped two days before it as an awkward, insecure teenager, that was awesome), garners my negative reaction to this entitlement. Couples usually end up telling each other what they want as gifts so as not to disappoint in the long-term or even waste money. It makes sense theoretically, I just have a hard time wrapping my brain around it.

This person is obviously over-developed in asking what she wants for her birthday whereas I'm on the opposite end of the spectrum, where I feel like I haven't even done anything for cause to celebrate or warrant any type of gift receiving. Actually, getting gifts makes me really uncomfortable. There's this immense pressure to show a certain amount of surprise and appreciation and sufficiently reaching the level of said anticipated pleasure is an enormous responsibility. There are delicate egos at work here.

Even though I've made plans to celebrate with my friends, I've gone so far as even telling a few that I believe are less interested in participating that, "We don't really need to celebrate or anything like that...I just thought it would be fun to have a group get together to go do this thing..." 

For some reason I have it in the back of my brain that any significant other of mine would be mortified and disdainful at the idea of me asking for anything for something as ridiculous as a birthday. Additionally, every time I hear, "What do you want for your birthday," I cringe because I'm reminded of the fact that absolutely everything I actually want at the moment, no one can give me. How on Earth is something ridiculously materialistic and thoughtless going to make me feel any more excited about accomplishing absolutely nothing in a year and getting nowhere closer to where I want to be?

As a coping mechanism leading up to next week, I started coming up with a list of inalienable birthday truths this evening that I'm trying to work through:
1) Your birthday, after the age of 21, will never be exciting.
2) No one will ever be as excited for your birthday as your parents were when you were young, even your own parents today.
3) Your friends are happy to celebrate with you, it's a reason to party and they're happy you're in their life, but it's really not THAT big of a deal.
4) You didn't earn your birthday. You're being celebrated for no other reason other than simply existing. I feel like that reasoning is cheap and we should have to accomplish something every year to EARN the celebration.
5) No one really needs an empty picture frame for their birthday, seriously, if you're not going to put any consideration into it, just join them out on the town and buy him or her a beer if it'll help you sleep at night.
6) If you're ballsy enough to expect gifts, that's fine. If you're lucky there will be someone ready and willing to buy them for you. Please remember that you are only using your mere existence as an excuse to place expectations on the people you love, poising them to potentially disappoint in your eyes. You are sucking out the joy in giving. I'm starting to rethink the holiday season too.

I am officially the Grinch who stole the birthday spirit. With my propensity for sounding like a vapid bitch, I'm actually surprised I have any friends left to celebrate with. Another hazard of the birthday: the annual reminder that I have a whole year's reason to like myself a little less.

Over the weekend I had my first day at the Apple Store. I'm pretty excited to start working there, but for the time being I think it's best that I avoid blogging about things Apple-related. I signed a lot of documents that cite "loyalty" and "secrecy" so I think it's best in order to keep my job, that I avoid giving the impression that I have any sort of inside knowledge regarding Apple. I'll see how things go and maybe stick to commenting on articles.

Mondays always have a way of throwing curve balls at me first thing in the morning. I know I said I wouldn't blog about relationship-related stuff, and this really isn't. I was perusing my news feeds when I saw a headline for AskMen.com that almost made my eyes start to bleed. The article was titled, Make Her Want Implants.

While I read AskMen.com mostly out of curiosity to understand what information men are being spoon fed in their rag magazines, it also helps chip away at any idealistic notions about romance Disney planted in my brain at a tender and impressionable age. Between reading articles like this and my own personal experiences, all that's left is a skeptical woman wondering if men even actually like women at all.

Case in point:
    Convince her it’s for her self-esteem
    Your woman may express insecurity about her appearance. May? Of course she will! All women dislike something     about their looks. She might think she's too fat or too skinny or too flat-chested. And nothing you say will convince     her otherwise.

    A cruel man could let his beloved suffer in her insecurity -- but not you. The caring boyfriend can find the light at         the end of the tunnel -- the one thing that will save his girlfriend: the breast implant.

    Back this up with articles on celebrities and real-life people about how the operation helped with self-esteem and         confidence. Research the statistics on how safe and routine the surgery is. Find out the waiting time at the local         hospital. Offer to drive her there for a consultation. Nothing is too much for your baby's well-being, right?

Nuthin says luvin like exploiting your girlfriend's insecurities to get a new set of fun bags to play with. I'm sure glad men are being taught how to help the important women in their life feel great about their bodies rather than perpetuating a stereotype of what is considered attractive. Nice work AskMen.com! 

I haven't written in a while because the week of the 4th of July took over my life. Then I was faced with complete lack of inspiration. In a nutshell, the week of the 4th pretty much can be summed up with: Thursday-Summerfest, Friday-Lakefront Brewery Tour, Saturday-Art versus Craft and karaoke night. I basically had five people staying with me during that time, some coming and going. There was lots of drinking and debauchery, but we've made it all out alive.

Now that I'm fully recovered I think I can get back to this thing. The most recent update I have is that I did get the job at Apple. They took me back. Now we're just waiting on figuring out an orientation date. They wanted me to start this Sunday, but it's my niece's baptism and I'm the godmother. They even had the balls to ask me if I could leave my family obligations early. That might be a bad sign...but I'm going to go with it for a while.

Not surprisingly, I've taken the second job at Apple because I have very little money. I just got promoted to Interactive Marketing Manager at my job, but sadly, since it's nonprofit, the raise barely covers my rent increase in August. So I'm sucking it up and going to be working 60 hours/week at two jobs to make ends meet.

As my financial situation dwindled over the last year or so, I realized my wardrobe also took a beating as well. Because I've been unhappy with my weight gain through college and since then, I've sort of taken a "basics" approach to how I dress. It's mostly the same uniform every day--V-neck t-shirt and jeans, usually with some sort of sweater since my office is freezing. Since I work in nonprofit, what I wear to work isn't THAT important, but it sort of starts to wear on your soul when you realize everything you wear is damaged in some way. Sweaters with holes, dented/scratched shoes, permanent stains, hems that have fallen out in sleeves or pants legs, etc. A friend told me to throw it all away and start over, but I don't have the financial backing to start over with a new wardrobe, and I literally would have to throw damn near everything away. I don't think my coworkers would be too happy with me showing up to work in my birthday suit.

So I've been joking how I dress like a 19-year-old college kid and I'm the most unstylish person my age I know. I do get a little embarrassed when I have meetings in the "nice buildings" downtown and I show up with my pants falling down my waist, my belly hanging out and my holy sweaters falling off me. With my niece's baptism coming up I think my mom was worried I wouldn't have anything to wear. Yesterday I was at home and she handed me an envelope with $140 in it and told me to go buy something to wear to the baptism. I told her I actually do have something to wear from a wedding two summers ago and she told me to take it and go buy some new clothes anyway. Clearly I'm embarrassing the family now.

I'm sort of an atypical chick, I really detest shopping. I hate malls, I hate crowds, I hate parking, I hate spending money on clothes, I hate trying things on and staring at myself in a mirror only to eventually feel bad about myself. I hate the whole process. It's generally completely deflating. It's also really hard for me to justify spending $140 on clothes. I don't have money for gas and groceries next week, why on earth would I be taking money and dropping it on clothes? My appearance just hasn't been a top priority financially lately and unfortunately my personal life is what's taken the beating. I checked my vanity at the door about a year ago and have been letting myself go ever since. The results have not been good.

I'd have to say that my self-confidence has really wanned since I've stopped prioritizing my appearance and it effects how I interact socially. I find myself hating having my picture taken and usually criticize the ones I do see of me. I used to be much more outgoing and I find myself sometimes withdrawn. One guy even paid me a compliment one night out at the bars and rather than saying, "thank you" I just stared at him blankly and confused. I got yelled at by my friends for that one. I'm afraid all of this is symptomatic of a downward spiral that needs to be stopped immediately.

Against my gut instincts, I took that $140 and went shopping. I know I can be spending it on more important things, but if I don't get my act together soon I could be facing some dire consequences. I headed to the mall (yikes!) and tried on four articles of clothing. While some might have been passable, they weren't amazing. I can't justify spending money on clothing I don't love or feel completely confident in. However, it's hard to feel like something looks immaculately beautiful on you when you don't have an immaculately beautiful body. So I wandered around trying to find other things.

After my ego being deflated from those four articles of clothing, I didn't even try anything else on. I wandered into total "soccer mom" stores hoping that something might jump out, and there was nothing. I also ventured into Lane Bryant, a store for plus-sized women. I don't generally shop there for tops but thought I would check it out as a last-ditch resort. I just don't understand how everything in there is so brite and bedazzled. Why do they assume that the larger the woman you are the more you'd want to draw attention to yourself. I'm attempting to take up less space in the world and would like the least amount of notice possible in the process. That is not going to happen with a rhine-stoned blaze-orange tent as my selection of clothing.

So I left the mall, on the brink of an anxiety attack and fighting off tears. I wanted to take the $140 and go fill up my gas tank and pay my electric bill like a fiscally responsible individual would do. Part of me feels like I wasted my time and should have followed my gut on what do to with this money, but it was given to me for the sole purpose of changing my appearance, which might have a greater impact on my life than I expect. I have now written on the envelope, "For Clothing Only" and stashed it away in my apartment. I need to regroup, get my butt in gear to lose a schmidge of a weight and head back to the stores in about a month when I dislike myself a little less. Who knew my mother's generosity would have me in the throes of a panic attack and a fit self-loathing?

I personally hate Cosmopolitan, the magazine, well, I sorta hate the trendy fashionable drink too, it's too much of a cliche. Anyway, once upon a time, when I was in college, I did pick up this fluffy chick rag from time to time. I'd leave them strewn across the house and when guy friends came over, they could never help themselves. While I grabbed some beers or popped in a movie for a bunch of friends, I'd find them nose-deep between the pages of Cosmo. I always wondered why, and they generally provided me with some answer referring to "getting inside the mind of a chick," which, speaking from a first hand account, can be a pretty scary place. As most know, Cosmo is pure trashy, unadulterated filth. It used to be a guilty pleasure, but now I have other things to waste my time with, such as starting up new blogs.

After reading through some news feeds today, I found a link to this website, AskMen.com. It's a free online men's magazine that is basically the male answer to Cosmo. Surfing through its pages I found everything from really raunchy sex tips to financial advice and entertainment news. I've read Maxim before and I just didn't have the patience. Each article referenced hot celebrities complete with full-on descriptions of their bodies, even though it was usually completely unrelated to the story. It usually read something like this: "Angelina Jolie, the sexy, luscious vixen with full lips and a curvaceous rockin bod, adopted yet another child from an impoverished country last month..." I think you get the idea. I didn't pick up too many men's magazines after that.

AskMen.com, while raunchy, still managed to capture my interest. While it's obviously geared for men, an article piqued my interest today titled, "10 More Signs You've Been Single Too Long." While it's written for a male audience, I'm pretty sure it's applicate to both sexes. Honestly, it was probably a little too relevant to my current state. Here are the top 10 signs:

10) You assume you repulse all women
This is universal. I don't generally chat up too many strangers at bars anymore, but when I do find myself with a little liquid courage, it's usually to chat up the old loner at the bar. You know the one. I have a soft spot for the dudes ballsy enough to go out after their prime in an effort to be less alone in the world. They're also so happy to talk to me that I could be in a burlap sack and they probably wouldn't care. It's a far less threatening route than chatting with men my own age.

9) You develop bad eating habits
Yup. I've got this one mastered. If it can't be microwaved, boiled or toasted it's probably not going to be ingested in my home. I have a tiny kitchen and hate doing dishes, anything that can be made creating the least amount of mess for the cheapest dollar without too many left overs (read: lean cuisines and ramen noodles), will be found on my shelves.

8) You gush about your feelings to women
I'm a chick and I still don't do this. I'm not a gusher. Period. I prefer the more humorous, self-deprecating route to mask my feelings and keep the mood light.

7) Your dating standards plummet
I have standards? As mentioned in my previous post, clearing the dishes and throwing away napkins will generally do it for me. Otherwise ignoring me, never offering to pay or intentionally excluding me from your life will probably work too.

6) You get a cat
I hate cats. Ok, I don't hate cats, but I am severely allergic to them. However, I have been contemplating getting a dog for a few weeks now. I've been obsessively researching breeds and visiting the Wisconsin Humane Society website almost daily.

5) You surf mail-order bride sites "out of curiosity"
Um...creepy. That's all I got.

4) You look at female friends as potential girlfriends
I don't have a lot of guy friends left. Over the years they get into serious relationships or get married and the chick friend suddenly becomes a threat. It's a sad truth, but I've adjusted accordingly. However, this one is true. I have been known in recent months to confuse kindness with flirtation. Over time I guess it becomes easier and easier to hallucinate sparks where there are none. When you get your head on straight you realize how absurd you were acting and are horrifyingly embarrassed. If you're lucky, the damage is repairable.

3) You play too many video games
I don't have any gaming systems, but I do find myself constantly online, entertaining myself with things like blogging, reading the news and cyber stalking people on MySpace and Facebook. I do LOVE Guitar Hero though. If I owned it I might never see the light of day again.

2) You consider your mother's dating advice
My mother actually doesn't give me any dating advice, thankfully. I'm lucky enough that I don't have parents that nag me about trying to find someone and settling down. Although, sometimes I do wonder why since everyone else's seems so preoccupied with it.

1) You Google old flames
Ok, I'm not looking them up to contact them. Exes are exes for a reason. It's totally selfish and awful, but it's usually under the vain hope that they have ruined their life somehow and the story of said life ruin has managed to become published on the internet, preferably by way of the Wisconsin Circuit Court Access System (CCAP). My searches are generally unsuccessful, which is good because it's really bad to look for other people's misery to make you feel better about your own life.

So the moral of the story is this: magazines, online or otherwise, might have a gender bias, but it doesn't mean that they can't be interesting or relevant to members of the opposite sex. Sometimes trans gender reading might actually provide that self-reflection we long for in the pages of Cosmo or other same-sex publications. I mean really, I can only read about how to be a good girlfriend, how to alleviate menstrual cramps and the dangers of manicures and pedicures so much. I need to shake things up from time to time!

On a side note, I promise this blog is not going to be all about men, women, relationships and single life. They were just the two main articles from my news feed that really caught my attention today. I promise I have other interests, you know, like basket weaving, clay formations and scrap booking. I kid, I kid.